Join me at the Verona Public Library on Thursday February 8th from 6:30-7:30pm for a presentation on how to discuss body safety and healthy boundaries with preschool and elementary school age children in a way that is empowering.  I'll provide an overview on the prevalence of child sexual abuse, prevention strategies, and offer resources you can use to start this conversation at home with your children. We can't afford to not discuss this important topic! I hope to see you there. 

There has been increased interest and research on the benefits of mindfulness and meditation strategies for both adults and children in recent years.  Mindfulness encourages people to be intentionally present with their experiences while suspending judgment and being open and accepting to what is happening in the present moment. Achieving this state can help us calm down and allow us to experience relaxation (Kabat-Zinn, 2013, p. lx). Mindfulness based practices are now incorporated in many school environments with the goal of helping children to increase compassion, kindness, and emotional regulation. You may be wondering how you can support your children with using mindfulness at home as a strategy for relaxation and enhancing self-regulation.
Here are some ideas on how to get started. The list below includes a few of the resources that I have used in my sessions with clients. There are many additional resources available!
Book Suggestions:
“Peaceful Piggy Meditation” by Kerry MacLean (picture book)
“Sitting Still Like a Frog: Mindfulness Exercises for Kids (and Their Parents)” by Snel (includes an audio CD)
"The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook for Kids" by Shapiro & Sprague (includes both stress reduction and mindfulness interventions for parents and kids to do together)

Free Child-Friendly Apps:
 *Because kids are always more eager to practice a new skill when there is an app for that!
Breathe, Think, Do with Sesame: Interactive and ideal for ages 4-7.
Settle Your Glitter: Simple to use and great for practicing deep breathing!
Stop, Breathe, and Think Kids: Requires a parent email to activate. Includes guided meditations for children.
Headspace: Includes short (1-3 minute) meditations. Some of the features require a paid subscription.
Calm: Better for older children and adults. Includes several free meditations, and timed unguided meditations. Additional meditations are available for purchase.  

Want to learn more about mindfulness? We are fortunate to have the Center for Healthy Minds as a resource here in Madison. Check out their research and upcoming events on their website. 

We are expected to have good boundaries and follow social rules when invited into another person's home. We ring the doorbell, wait to be invited in, and then sit where we are told to sit. We don’t open the cupboards or wander around, and we usually find a way to give a compliment related to the home’s décor. Yet, when children are part of this picture and an adult is left in charge in your home, boundaries can quickly become blurred if good communication and clear expectations are not in place. Many people wonder about how they can best communicate and share family values and maintain boundaries with grandparents, babysitters, other caregivers, and neighbors.

Whether you are wanting to set boundaries related to discipline approaches, expectations for your children’s diet, or areas of your home that are “off limits,” it is essential to have a plan for communicating these desires with the adult in charge. We all know it’s easy for kids to say, “It’s okay, my parents wouldn’t mind” and test the boundaries. This type of situation leaves the well-intended adult in a tricky situation, and they end up using their own values to make a decision, which may not be aligned with your hopes or expectations.

Here are some tips for setting boundaries with other caregivers in your home:

• State your boundaries or limits in a way that is positive rather than critical: e.g. “My work space needs to remain well-organized and confidential for my customers, so this area is off limits” or “I want to make sure the kids are getting a nutrient-dense diet, so please make sure they eat one piece of fruit tonight.”
• Avoid universal or vague statements that may have a different meaning for different people: e.g. “No junk food” or “Not too much TV time.”
• Well-formed communication of boundaries includes statements that are specific, include time, place, and specific behaviors or instructions: e.g. “Here is a copy of the kids’ bedtime routine to follow” or “They can watch 30 minutes of TV tonight.”

Do a self-check. While it is not feasible to set boundaries for every possible situation, you do have awareness of your values for raising your children. It is not important for you to communicate an expectation for every situation that could possibly come up while you are away. It is important for you to set boundaries in areas that are most important to you and your family values. Ask yourself:

• What is your comfort level with caregivers taking and posting pictures of your children on social media?
• Are there certain activities you are not comfortable having your children do with a different caregiver?
• What are your beliefs related to your children using electronics?
• How well have you communicated these expectations?

Minor boundary “violations” may be inevitable, particularly as you form new relationships. If a boundary concern develops, address the issue as soon as possible. When addressing the concern there are a few key points to highlight:

• Clarify what happened and what standards/values are of concern
• Understand why this occurred, and one or both parties should accept responsibility
• Develop a plan for forgiveness and prevention of similar issues in the future

I will be offering additional parenting workshops at Huckleberry & Persimmon again in March.

Loving Discipline Strategies for Young Children. March 10th 7-8:30PM

In this workshop, participants will:

• Increase their understanding of why young children misbehave; 
• Identify their own parenting styles
• Learn concrete strategies for preventing and responding to misbehavior according to their child's stage of development. 

This workshop will include discussions and examples to illustrate strategies and possible responses. Participants will leave with a plan, outlining their next steps for implementing positive discipline strategies with their children at home. Couples and those in co-parenting arrangements are encouraged to attend together.

Teaching Young Children about Body Safety. March 20th 2-3:00PM

In this workshop, participants will:

• Learn how to discuss body safety and healthy boundaries with preschool age children;
• Understand why talking about “stranger danger” is not enough
• Leave with resources including a workbook and children’s book recommendations for discussing personal safety with their children.

Couples and co-parents are strongly encouraged to attend together to develop a consistent message for their children.

Why is this important?
Statistics show numbers as high as 1:4 girls and 1:6 boys are sexually abused by age 18. Usually children’s abuser is someone that they know (www.nctsn.org). This workshop will provide information for parents about this important topic in a way that is focused on prevention and empowerment rather than fear.

Visit Huckleberry & Persimmon's website to learn more and register.

Ready or not, Winter is here. Daylight time is becoming shorter, and when you are out-and-about, you see people busily preparing for the upcoming holidays. While the new fresh snow and anticipation of seeing family over the holidays is exciting and joyful for many, we also know that many people find the holiday season to be a challenging time. The holidays may remind you of the loss of a loved one, or maybe your symptoms of depression increase as we head into the dark, cold Winter months. Many of you also need some extra support figuring out how to manage plans with in laws or co-parents, surviving the school breaks with your kids home from school, and balancing family budgets with extra traveling and gift-giving costs. Whatever the reason, it is common for people to endorse increased stress during this time of year.

Keep reading for a few ideas you may consider to help alleviate this additional stress.

Make Time for Taking Care of Yourself
During the holidays, it is more important than ever to practice self-care for yourself. What helps you to relax? Pick an activity and commit to 10-20 minutes per day. You will likely find this practice will help to decrease your reactivity during stressful situations throughout the day.

Some suggestions:

• Meditate and practice deep breathing each morning and/or before bed.
  
• Keep a journal and note something positive that occurred each day.
• Maintain or increase your exercise routine and make smart eating choices when you can. Exercise has many health benefits and can help to decrease your stress as well.
• Pick up an adult coloring book (they are quite popular this year) at a local bookstore and engage in this mindful self-care activity either alone as a break for you, or with your kids to slow the whole family’s pace for a little while.
  

Be careful about using alcohol to “take the edge off” during family gatherings or holiday parties, as this leads to unhealthy patterns and decisions. You are worthy and deserving of people’s love and approval just the way you are.

Give Yourself Permission to Say “No”
Become comfortable with saying “No” to extra commitments. Before committing to an extra holiday party or event, ask yourself if the extra commitment is worth what you are giving up (time to yourself, the kids’ nap time, family meals, etc.). Over-scheduling your kids and deviating too far from their usual routine is a recipe for meltdowns. If you do not feel comfortable saying “No” in the moment when you receive a request, it is perfectly okay to ask for time to think about whether not the extra event will work for you.

Keep Some Structure
Do your best to maintain your sleep-wake schedule during this time.
If you have kids, know that they will also want some down time during their school break. Having some predictability and structure at home will be helpful.  Consider having 1 planned activity per day (e.g. play date, ice skating, art project at home). Write this on a calendar for your school-age kids to see so they know what to anticipate.

If you are coordinating holiday schedules with in-laws or co-parents, begin working on setting schedules for visits now. Add commitments to the calendar to keep you and your family organized, while also allowing for some flexibility with plans. For example, allow a cushion of time between commitments scheduled on the same day.

Be Flexible and Forgive Yourself
Ask yourself if it really matters. If you weren’t able to follow through with a favorite tradition, or if you had to purchase store bought goods instead of a homemade dessert, will your holiday be a wreck for the whole family? Would this somehow mean that you are not “good enough” at being a sibling/child/parent/colleague (fill in your role here)? Of course not! If you are starting to feel this way, be gentle on yourself. No one really can do it all, and usually the people around you do not even notice that something did not go as you had planned.

Additionally, it is important to remind yourself that this extra stress is usually temporary and that you can and will get through the next few months. 

Reach Out for Help
Lean on your support system. Talk through your worries and stress with a friend who is supportive, positive, and knows your situational well. Delegate tasks and ask for help.

If you have tried some of the above strategies on your own and continue to feel stressed and down, I suggest you connect with me or another professional. Consult your doctor or a therapist if your symptoms are getting in the way of your ability to live the life you want. Examples of this type of distress may include difficulty getting out of bed, not being able to focus on work, sudden change in mood, or significant conflict with your partner or family members.

You may be wondering how to best address the recent attacks in Paris with your kids. Some parents wonder if they should say anything at all, and if they do, they are uncertain how to best explain what has happened in a way that is developmentally appropriate. Parent responses should be tailored to the child's age and stage of development. See this link for an excellent article on how to discuss the recent attacks with your children: http://time.com/4112751/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-the-attacks-in-paris/

You are in back-to-school mode, and shifting from flexible summer routines to structured school year routines are a challenge for many families. Just how much sleep should your child get each night? How can you have a peaceful bedtime routine, or what do you do if your child has bedtime worries? Keep reading for a few ideas.

Let’s start with looking at the amount of sleep your child receives each night. It is so important for your child to receive regular, sufficient sleep. You can all recognize that sleep-deprived children have a harder time concentrating at school, following rules/expectations, and regulating their emotions throughout the day. The National Sleep Foundation recommends your school-age children (ages 6-13) need 9 to 11 hours of sleep per night. Take a look at their website for more information on all age groups. So, assuming your school-age child needs 10 hours of sleep and wakes at 6:30am for school, he/she should be asleep by 8:30pm. This is a challenge for many busy households, particularly when you consider parent work schedules, after school or sports activities, and homework time. In this scenario, you would ideally plan for your child to be in bed before 8:30pm so they have time to get settled in and relaxed before falling asleep.

We know that children thrive when they have a consistent and predictable environment. One way to support your children with receiving sufficient sleep is to establish an evening routine. Not only does this make life predictable for your child and family, it can also help to teach your children time management and responsibility skills. For example, having an established routine that outlines the need for homework to be completed before TV/computer time sends the message to your child that it is important to prioritize school work before TV and gaming.

I also suggest you schedule time for your children to unwind during the hour before bed. Avoid highly stimulating activities such as video game playing in the hour before bed. Some ideas for a bedtime routine include: drink of water/herbal non caffeinated tea, bath, pajamas, picking out clothes for the next day, reading together, yoga/stretching, prayer, and snuggling. Develop a plan and stick with it so your children know what to expect. You will likely find that consistency helps to alleviate many of the bedtime challenges in your household.

How can you help your children with bedtime worries? Worries or nightmares that are intense and persist for a long period of time may be best addressed with the support of a professional such as your doctor or a therapist. However, many common bedtime worries are resolved with nurturing and reassurance by a parent.  I am listing a few suggestions below:

* Practice deep breathing with your child before bed. See this previous post for ideas on how to practice deep breathing with children

* Create a “good dreams” list with your child. Develop a list of positive memories or experiences the child has had, and have the child select one of these memories each night to think about as they are falling asleep

* Other ideas: use a nightlight, keep the bedroom door open, play soothing music

I am pleased to offer a workshop on Loving Discipline Strategies for Young Children at Huckleberry & Persimmon on Tuesday September 29 from 7-8:30pm. Click here to learn more and register for this low-cost class. I hope to see you there.